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Counselling Skills

 

INTRODUCTION

Advice and opinion giving, sympathising and offering to assist are all ways of helping people, but they are not counselling.

The first responsibility for any counsellor wishing to use counselling skills is to create a climate of warm acceptance where the client feels safe enough to explore and understand their feelings and thoughts before considering action.

We can not often solve human problems, but we can learn to manage them better; and we can help others do so by support and challenge. This three-stage model is a systematic way of learning to work with another person to help them cope more effectively with their life. The model is derived from the work of Gerard Egan, The Skilled Helper (1982), and describes the skills needed to work through the three stages.

 

STAGE 1: EXPLORATION

Counsellors help clients to explore their issues through listening and giving full attention. The Counsellors genuineness, acceptance and empathy are communicated through the use of the ACTIVE LISTENING:

All of which give the client the message, I’m with you and I’m hearing you.

For some people, the chance to explore their situation in an accepting atmosphere will be sufficient to enable them to move on by themselves.

Others will need further help to enable them to fully understand the factors involved and find the resources to take effective action.

The Counsellors stage 1 skills, which are fundamental to the counselling process, are used to help clients explore their world and feelings.

In stage 2 the Counsellor tries to help clients to understand themselves, their situation and feelings better and in a new perspective. This can be a difficult and painful experience, so the Counsellor uses Stage 2 skills carefully and tentatively with phrases like:

Perhaps you feel…

It may be that…

It seems as if you are feeling…

The main stage 2 skills is an extension of the reflection, paraphrasing and summarising skills of stage 1. It is called DEEPER EMPATHY.

Stage 1 empathy reflects surface meanings and feelings while deeper empathy of Stage 2 gets at feelings and meanings, which are buried, hidden and somehow not normally obvious to the client. Some ways of communicating these are:

Other stage 2 skills are:

 

STAGE 3: ACTION

In stages 1 and 2 of the model clients are helped to explore and understand themselves, their feelings and their world better, and in a different; light. In stage 3 clients are helped to take effective action–to achieve constructive change.

For some clients, stages 1 and 2 are sufficient to enable them to mobilise their own problems–solving resources, others will need positive help with their decision making.

Counsellors will continue, though, to work in a client-centred way using the skills of stage 1 and 2. The most important aspect here is that of helping the client to turn a vague aim into a specific goal–another version of concreteness. Remember that any behaviour–change technique should be used with clients–not on them.

STAGE 3 skills include:

Although the 3-stage model suggests counselling is a sequential process, in practice the stages are not necessarily so clearly defined. The appropriate skills may be used at any stage in response to the client’s needs and on occasions the stages may be worked through several times before the client is able to mobilise all the resources required. It is however always important to ensure the real issues are understood before action is decided.

 

ATTENTION GIVING

Attending or being with the client, as counsellor, is important because it helps to establish a working relationship and trust between you and it improves the quality of your perceptiveness.

Your non–verbal behaviour will signal the quality of your interest. Be relaxed, face them and lean slightly forward; adopt an open posture and maintain good eye contact. But don’t be rigid about the above. Remember, you are always communicating something, and you are present through what you say and do.

Active listening involves not only paying attention to the verbal messages but also being aware of the non-verbal behaviour: tone of voice, facial expressions, posture etc. These non-verbal messages can either deny or confuse, strengthen or emphasis the spoken communication.

What gets in the way of attending?

You need to be in touch with your own thoughts and feelings and aware of any unfinished business of your own so you can take these factors into account in your interaction with the client.

 

LISTENING

Listening is a difficult art. To understand another person we must resist the quick impulse to judge whether what they say makes sense. Listening means working hard to find out how what seems odd to us can make sense to someone else.

Not listening means not crediting the person with any understanding of themselves or their circumstances. It implies a degree of contempt. Warning signs that we may be conveying contempt to another person are:

All these behaviours put the other person under pressure, making it difficult for them to be open, to tell us why they feel as they do and in what way they make sense to themselves. We cut ourselves off from learning about their real concerns. After such a meeting both people leave convinced that the other is unreasonable, and we are farther than ever from devising satisfactory remedies for our respective concerns.

A basic rule: We have not listened unless we can state to the other person’s satisfaction why their position makes sense to them.

Even when we respect someone else by listening fully to their communication, we must demonstrate it through our behaviour, both verbal and non–verbal. But caring about someone also means planning in advance.

The setting in which the listening takes places obviously either facilities or hinders the process.

By finding a setting that is non–threatening and conducive to conversation, and by putting the other person at ease you create an atmosphere where open communication can take place. Once you meet, what you say and do will largely determine how the other person perceives you and your motives, and thus their willingness to talk.

 

 

ATTENTION GIVING/ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS

Eye – Contact

Looking at someone when they talk lets them know that we are listening and interested. Obviously if we fix our eyes on someone continuously they will become uneasy and wonder why we are staring at them. Appropriate eye contact entails looking more when you are listening and less when you are speaking and it is probably the most important way of communicating one’s full and undivided attention. It can be achieved easily as follows:

Non – verbal prompts.

These demonstrate listening without disturbing their train of thought and they thus encourage the person to continue speaking:

 

Body Posture

Relaxing your body will usually encourage the other person to relax also. When your body shows openness and receptivity the other person is more likely to talk freely and be less defensive. You can achieve open body posture by:

Verbal Prompts.

Often, in the early stages, talkers will range over numerous topics. Occasionally the listener’s indirect responses have encouraged this wandering. When the listener thinks that the other person has explored their main areas of concern, it may be appropriate to find one topic that could be elaborate productively. A summary may be sufficient to collect the thoughts at this stage but if further action is needed.

Focussing will help the talker home in on the main issues. Examples of focussing are: which is the most important thing we have talked about in the last ten minutes? or What were your feelings as we were talking? or Can you choose one word to describe the last five minutes talk? Listeners should use their own feelings of confusion or diffusion as a guide to decide when to focus.

Having identified the main topic, the listener needs to encourage the other person to open up and examine their thoughts and feelings. The following techniques will help the person to continue communicating verbally.

Use verbal expressions such as Um –hum, Ye-e-s, Go on, I see, Can you tell me some more about that? And employ a well-regulated voice. Such a tone and pattern are reassuring and comforting.

Repeat key words. For example if the person says, I don’t know, I guess I’m just confused, the listener repeats the word confused? This response prompts the other person to say more without using a long question, which might break the other person’s train of thought. Paraphrasing, i.e. reflecting – back the other person’s thoughts in your own words will have similar effect.

Ask open questions such How do you feel about this?, Can you give an example of that? and What does that mean to you? These encourage the other person to expand on the topic and clarify the experience or feeling.

 

FEELINGS

It is self–evident the way we feel affects our view of situations and our ability to manage them. If we are either out of touch with our feelings, or unable to express them appropriately our problem–solving and decision–making capabilities will be severely curtailed.

One difficulty with the stiff upper lip approach is that our emotions do not disappear when their presence is denied. They continue to affect our behaviour to the consternation of those we hide them from. They thus exercise a far greater negative influence than they would in the open. Ultimately, we may even lose touch with our own emotions and either deny their presence completely or take on board what we think we should feel in the circumstances rather than our true feelings.

These distortions and the subsequent lack of congruence between our feelings and our behaviour are the source of many personal and interpersonal difficulties.

 

A very large part of counselling is working with feelings.

You could say that counselling is creating a climate where feelings can be explored and expressed. You often have to help a client really get into feelings, sometimes very difficult feelings. It is not enough just knowing that you feel elated, depressed, sad, etc. Feelings need to be expressed, verbally and non-verbally, appropriately of course. (Think how bad it is to feel angry and not be able to express it.)

A person is a bundle of feelings, very often denied or unconscious feelings. Change and action more often happen at the level of feelings than at the level of thoughts and intentions. Very often however people are not comfortable with feelings. Some emotions can be scary for a lot of people; they need trust and confidence that it is okay to have such feelings and express them.

Unless you are comfortable with both your own and someone else’s emotions they will not be able to get into their feelings. Also remember, if you are unaware of the deeper levels of feelings–or only to a limited extent–you won’t be able to help a person beyond that point. You simply won’t be aware there is more to come. For example if I’m unaware of the complexity of feelings a bereaved person might have – anger, guilt, even relief perhaps, as well as sadness–I can’t help them to the point where they get in touch with that feeling which may nevertheless materially effect the well being of that bereaved person.

 

EMPATHY

Empathy is the ability to correctly interpret another person’s feelings to show them you understand. In stage 1 of this model of counselling it means communicating a basic understanding of the other person’s feelings, helping them to explore and clarify their situation from their existing frame of reference. At this stage the helper is not trying to dig down into what the client is only half-saying or implying so they can develop new perspectives. That more challenging style belongs to a later stage in the helping process.

How do you find out who people feel?

Well, they may tell you, but they don’t have to utter a single syable for you to get a good impression of who they are and how they feel. Posture, gestures and general appearance all provide an impression of the person and their mood. The words people use to describe their feelings often fail to convey the mixture of emotions they feel at any one time, and there is a danger that they will choose the most acceptable phrase in the circumstances. Despite these difficulties our emotions usually show whether we like it or not and whatever the words used the way we talk will give us away. Words can tumble out with nervousness and the pitch rise with anxiety. Our facial expressions will express the most subtle changes of mood and we are all highly sensitive to such changes in others.

How to use basic empathy.

An example of basic empathy is when someone comes to you, sits down looks at the floor, hunches over and haltingly tells you that he has just failed a test, that his girlfriend has finished with him and he has just been given notice to leave his flat. Your response might well be something like, So it’s pretty miserable for you right now – your world has suddenly begun to fall apart.

Some words of caution about all this particularly relating to stage 1 of the model of counselling which we are using. At the start of the counselling relationship you normally ease into the person’s feelings very gently. You reflect and keep to surface feelings–later you can help them by going deeper. Moving too quickly can be threatening, before the helping relationship has been established.

You will also come across some people who are particularly removed from their feelings. Sometimes you can help by saying, In that situation I would have felt X – without any further detail, thereby declaring that it is all right to have that feeling and share it.

At this stage your objective is to understand and accept a person’s feelings and view of the world and shows you have done so.

If accurate empathy is to be part of your natural helping style you will need to practise it outside the formal training session. That is because it must become part of your everyday communications, or it will lack genuineness in helping situations. Practising empathy out there is a relatively simple process.

 

PROBLEM CENTRED RESPONSES

The consultative approach is appropriate when neither party fully understands the problem but there is sufficient mutual trust to share information and feelings. The objective is to enlarge the client’s perception of the problem and thus their development of appropriate solutions and commitment to their success.

Where those concerned have strong emotional involvement with the problem or where there may be suspicion about the role or motives of the counsellor, a reflective approach will be initially more appropriate. By adopting this approach the counsellor will seek to understand the problem by listening, particularly to the feelings that are being expressed.

Once the facts and feelings have been ascertained through a problem–centred approach, those involved should be encouraged to explore the issues from different perspectives in order to open up all the available solutions. Finally, plans of action should be prepared which specify clear realistic objectives and incorporate adequate criteria for measuring success.

SOLUTION CENTRED RESPONSES

When confronted by someone with a problem most people feel obliged to offer a solution. However, instant solutions rarely address the complexities of the problem or recognise the personal difficulties of the client. Even when an answer is obvious the counsellor needs to consider whether it is more appropriate in the circumstances for the client to develop their own solutions.

If the counsellor has a clear understanding of the problem, knowledge and skills to resolve the issues, and an acceptance from those involved to proceed, then a directive approach may be appropriate.

Prescriptive solutions will only succeed if the client feels they are relevant to their problem and can implement them. They may be useful at the solution stage of brainstorming or for provoking clients to react to solutions, which are not acceptable and therefore limit the field of enquiry. Too often prescriptions are offered before the problem has been adequately diagnosed.

Bargaining implies the counsellor wants something in return and this relates to the nature of the relationship rather than the client’s problem. All relationships involve some exchange and therefore bargaining is a legitimate approach to developing a solution in some circumstances. Counsellors must consider whether the quid pro quo strategy will resolve the current difficulties without giving rise to even greater problems in the future.

 

RESPONSE STYLE

An important aspect of learning helping skills is to understand how you respond naturally to requests for advice or assistance. In all such situations you have a choice of behaviour. You can adopt a problem – solving approach (finding out more about the problem) or alternatively a solution – centred approach (producing answers).

The response style questionnaire provides a choice of answers that can be classified as follows:-

Consult Reflect Direct Prescribe Bargain

a. 4 1 3 5 2

b. 3 5 4 1 2

c. 4 2 5 1 3

The terms used in the answer key above are defined as follows: -

CONSULT

Asking questions or giving information that will, indicate problem areas e.g. In what way do you? Or How are we?

REFLECT

A reformulation of the views expressed by the other person to indicate you have heard their opinion and to invite them to proceed E.g. You feel that… Or You sound…

DIRECT

An indication of action to be taken e.g. I’ll take it up… or I will prepare…

PRESCRIBE

A recommendation or suggestion of lines of action that could be taken. E.g. Why not try or Your best plan is….

BARGAIN

The proposal of an exchange or negotiated deal E.g. If you’ll do this I’ll… or We can do this if you….

The consequences of each type of response will be more or less desirable according to the circumstances.

 

RESPONSE STYLE EXERCISE

In any situation in which a response or reaction is expected from you there are several choices. To illustrate some of these choices the following Case Incidents are presented for your consideration.

Directions

Consider each case and choose ONE response from those listed. It is recognised that in real life you would not necessarily choose the same words and you would have more details – but for the purpose of this exercise, choose the response which is nearest to how you would reply.

 

CASE A INCIDENT

You manage a team responsible for developing new equipment and recently sent one of your staff on a technical course, which you attended earlier in your career. The course lasts 6 weeks, and after a fortnight he phones you and says:

This course is beginning to get me down. I don’t really see it is going to be any use to me and some of the recent work has been difficult to cope with.

What would you say?

Alternative responses – please choose one.

 

 

1. You feel you should be doing some other course, is that it?

2. Well, if you stick at it there will be advantages to your career. I’m willing to talk through any difficulties with you at any time but you will have to let me know whether you need any help

3. I shall talk to the tutor and let you know the options.

4. What parts of the course are you finding most difficult to deal with?

5. What I suggest you do is to concentrate harder during the classroom work and then relax completely afterwards – simply pace yourself better.

Choice

 

 

CASE INCIDENT B

A colleague of yours is concerned about one of his staff who has been having some family problems. Your colleague want to help his subordinate but feels that working closely together he is being drawn more and more into the problem. In a conversation with you he says: -

I really wish I knew what to do about this young chap. He was doing so well until he got involved with this girl in the office and now his parents are objecting to our lack of concern about his career. I feel I should be doing more to get him to see his priorities but the harder I try the less he wants to listen.

What would you say?

Alternative responses – please choose one.

 

1. I suggest you back off and let him and his family sort out their differences first.

2. Perhaps a fresh pair of eyes might see things differently – I’ll have a word with him if you like but only if you’ll go along with my advice after I’ve seen him.

3. Why do you think his parents are objecting so much?

4. Come and tell me all about it tomorrow at 3pm and we’ll sort out a plan of action.

5. You seem to have a lot of concern about this chap and his family.

Choice

 

 

CASE INCIDENT C

 

Your boss asked you to examine ways of improving communication between the sections under his control, which includes your areas of responsibility. You know that he often contributes to these problems because he doesn’t share critical information quickly enough. During his meeting with you he says; -

I want to study all the sections – which are where the problems lie. They continually badger me for information when they should be getting on with their own jobs. I am overworked as it is. My immediate assistants are up to their necks in paperwork and we cannot increase staff numbers.

What would you say?

Alternative responses – please choose one.

 

1. I think we should do a survey to streamline the paperwork.

2. You feel the sections are behaving unreasonably.

3. My section could probably help if you were willing to reallocate duties of one of my staff to look at the problem.

4. How do you think I might be able to help on this problem?

5. I shall go around to the section heads tomorrow and look at their requirements and the reasons behind their requests.

Choice

 

 

SEVEN QUESTION STYLES

1. CLOSED The number of possible answers is small and predictable

Q Did you think the room was too hot?

A Yes/No

Closed questions can be useful in verifying what an client has done, said or thinks. And for getting a decision.

2. OPEN the number of possible answers is great. Its most basic form is, Tell me about…

Q In what way might our course match your requirements?

A crude rule of thumb suggests that the more open the questions you ask the greater the quantity of information you will get.

Typically, open questions start with the words:

WHAT? WHY? HOW?

3. REFLECTIVE These are powerful and seldom used with skill or consistency. Each question is based on the previous answer and reflects its content.

Q So you think that there could have been some improvements. What would have altered the outcome?

A Well, it would have been time consuming for a start but…

The psychological effect of this style of questioning is created by the client feeling that he/she is in control of the conversation.

4. PROBING Useful when you want to pursue a particular line of conversation

Q What do you think of the new teaching system?

A Well, it’s a bit time – consuming, actually.

Q Do you think there are any solutions to that problem?

5. LEADING Can be used to great effect when you want to influence someone else.

Q I don’t suppose you are looking forward to the move, are you?

Q Don’t you think that regular appraisal is important?

Not an appropriate style of question in counselling.

6. MULTIPLE Of little real use at any time. Most people can only handle one question at a time and will either be confused by multiple questions or only answer the part of the question that suits them.

Counsellors may find themselves resorting to multiple questions when a client is slow to respond to an initial line of questioning. The person, acutely aware of the silence, may try to fill it by trying to help the client with alternative questions.

Resist the temptation. Pose one question at a time, preferably an open or alternative one.

7. COMBINATIONS A sequence of questions, which you may find useful, is closed, Open and Probing.

A sensible use of all three can provide a progressive build – up, which eventually leads to a deeper understanding of the real problem.

Q Do you have any problems with the microprocessor? CLOSED

Q What sort of problems are you meeting? OPEN

Q Why do you think they are occurring? PROBING

Finally, be positive and caring in your questioning. There is nothing worse than a wishy – washy person who starts every sentence with, I’m sorry to bother you, but equally questions can be used as weapons to interrogate rather than understand an client.

OPEN AND CLOSED QUESTIONS

Questions can be used in counselling for a variety of purposes:

1. To acquire specific information.

What was your last job?

2. To encourage the client to share more about a certain area.

What was it like living at home?

3. As an open initiation to share with you.

How are you? Or Tell me about yourself?

4. To check out what you imagine is going on with the other person.

You look angry when you mention Claire. Is that what you are feeling?

5. Seeking an opinion

What’s your view of this new policy?

6. Requesting a feeling.

How are you feeling sitting here, being asked all these questions?

Questions can be thought of as tools, used to direct the dialogue in a certain direction. Some people seem to instinctively use the right tools, while others of us need to lean the different tools available and when to use each one.

A useful distinction between the different types of question is between open and Closed questions.

Typically, closed questions are ones where questioners are the most directives in limiting the type of response they want. For example the question which elicits a yes or no answer. Did you see Bill this morning?

Open questions are ones where the questioner is least directive over how and what the person should reply. They can hardly ever be answered with a one word, factual answer. Such questions will begin with openings like How, Why, What?

Both types of question are useful, but for different purposes. Closed questions are appropriate for the objective illustrated by example 1. Open questions are particularly useful for purposes 2 and 3. Examples4, 5 and 6 require questions more in the middle of the spectrum.

 

CLOSED QUESTIONS

Yes or No

Factual

Opinions

Feelings

Sharing more about a specific area

General Sharing

OPEN QUESTIONS

 


 

 

CHANGE

Life is a process of change: when you stop changing you're dead!

One definition of life is constant change, but if change is so natural why do we find it so threatening at times? Why do we sail through some changes and flounder on others? Why do we sometimes yearn for past when we couldn't wait to leave it behind at the time?

Imposed or desired, planned or spontaneous, external or personal, change is at the same time both an opportunity for growth and a source of potential stress and regret. It is not suprising therefore that change is central to Counselling.

At first sight it might seem reasonable to diagnose imposed or unplanned change as the main cause of stress for individuals, but paradoxically it is often our failure to alter things to suit ourselves or to live with the new situations we have created that upsets and throws us. What is it then about the change of process that people find difficult to handle?

All change involves risk.

Moving from the safe, i.e. a known situation, to the unknown feels dangerous because we cannot predict the outcome in advance. Of course even the present safe situation is an illusion but a comforting one. The false security of situations we have outgrown undermines our ability to try new initiatives. In order to take risks we must trust ourselves and others not to control the future but to manage it. If we wait until we have all information we need to make the perfect decision we never make it. We can never know all the implications of our decisions and seeking them is a recipe for inertia.

Change also means loss.

Not just of our comforting illusions, but of other positive aspects of the present that we may conveniently forget in our quest to relieve some overwhelming aggravation. Letting go of both good and bad aspects, and accepting the inevitable mixture of feelings involved is a necessary feature of successful transitions. That is why any changes, even those we want can be stressful. On top of that, each change produces a new situation that in turn carries the seeds of dissatisfaction and thus the need for further action. A succession of changes is often identified as a major source of personal stress and even illness.

Feelings.

Feelings are subject of a separate paper, but a brief comment about their role in the process of change may not come amiss. Many business books stress that facts rather than feelings should determine decision-making, but however hard we try to remain rational it is our emotions that ultimately call the tune.

No matter how sensible solutions look on paper they will not work unless we are emotionally committed. Our gut feelings will tell us when change is right for us whatever the facts suggest. How many people juggle the facts until they produce the answer they've been seeking all along? Logic can demonstrate a right decision, but only emotional commitment will make it work. People must own their feelings and accept the consequences of each new situation in order to handle further upheaval successfully. Feelings are the driving force in life and we must acknowledge and use them, if we are to achieve our full potential.

Perhaps it goes without saying that a pre-requisite of change is the need to understand where you are now and where you want to get to. The risk at this stage is in admitting that things are not all right as they are. People are often loath to face up to unsatisfactory situations particularly if they feel in some way responsible. Once we admit that something needs to be done we release the energy needed to purse it.

Unfortunately another way we make life difficult is our blinkered view of reality and the limited range of possibilities we dare to imagine. Here the risk is to give up, or at least suspend, our cherished beliefs about how things are and how they could be. If we expect little from life that is probably what we’ll get. Of course it is easy to offer trite advice like, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all or People who never make mistakes never make anything. Such saying ignore the pain involved in failure. We never strive fully for anything until we can accept the cost of failure.

The fear of failure inhabits our creativity and capacity to take risks. Thus we return to the need to trust others and ourselves, which highlights the business counsellor's role in supporting a process of self-development. The challenge of personal change impels business counsellors initially to understand a client's world, problems and aspirations, before encouraging them to seek solutions and mobilise the resources needed to take effective action.

Active listening and genuine acceptance of other people are powerful stage1 counselling skills that support self-development. It is at this stage that a firm foundation can be established which will enable the client later to draw on that energy for action that comes from a clear vision of what they want, and how to get it.

SETTING GOALS

The helping process is organic and cumulative. Listening, exploring and challenging for its own sake is ineffective. It is only successful if it leads to clarity of the issues that in turn helps the establishment of realistic, problem-solving goals.

Once clients have gained this clarity, some can see what action they want to take immediately and how to go about it. Others need preparation and support.

Starting with a client’s intention. E.g. I've been neglecting them. I must change my priorities, can be channelled towards an aim. E.g. I want to spend more time with my partner and baby. This will not yet be specific enough for the client to be able to act upon, but it is nearer to saying what they want to do.

Goals are specific statements of what a person wants to do concretely and specifically in order to handle or change a situation or part of it. I will only take work home one weekend in four, and spend the other weekends being involved with my family. And I will only work late two evenings a week.

Criteria for setting workable goals: